1. This is the realest tweet ever tweeted. Two seconds after you throw the acorn away, the kid will need it like he's never needed anything before.
2. Seriously. Kids can do WAY more damage than a cocker spaniel.
3. Most of us lose this battle. That's why coffee was invented.
4. Sneaking food is 97% of parenting. Trying coughing when you open a bag of chips to hide the rustling.
5. At least you know that you've lost the war. Frees up mental energy for finding deals on bourbon.
6. Why houses have light switches so low, I will never understand. Enjoy the migraines.
7. Check near the bottom. Close to the baby socks and empty fruit snack wrappers.
